Swim .. part 1

Time for storytelling. I will be telling my story of swimming from Eurpoe to Asia in a series. It’s inspired my next book I’m working on about living a life in victory. I hope you enjoy It!!

There are those moments that are never remembered again and then there are moments that will change your life forever. Which one are you living right now? 

In the moment, it seemed weightless. Just conversations and laughter. Everyone is talking about the next big trip and raising their glasses, shouting, “ So we are doing this!”  In the moment,t it seemed easy to say the words and then commit. I had no idea of the task at hand. I had no sense of the reality of what it would take to be able to complete such a task. Everyone else signed up like it was no big deal so sure, I’ll do it too.  It wouldn’t be till months later that I’m told no one else really was planning on completing it. It was more like a funny challenge and then drink some champagne and call it a day. But before me was a prize so big of an inner reward, my soul craved it. When I heard of the challenge that night at dinner in Colombia, Baru my heart leaped. It’s that moment when you didn’t know that something was missing from your life and now you have found it. I needed this in my life.

I’ve been struggling for sometime. It’s the type of inner struggle that no one can help with but you, yourself, and I. It’s not a struggle from outward impacts such as family, finances, or co-workers. It’s when you’ve been knocked down so far that rising up seems impossible. That moment when you realize you will never be the same person you were. It’s physically impossible to be that person anymore. I’ve experienced major trails in my life. I could write novels about the struggles I’ve had to overcome. The amount of battles thrown my way has become almost laughable. But, I’ve risen above and continue to live in victory. 

I haven’t let it push me down. I haven’t given up. I’ve had to to do a lot of inner reflection. There have been moments I have had to ask myself if this battle could be from self sabotage. Pain is a mysterious thing. When you have your health you can face almost anything. Take that away and life’s challenges feel so much harder with each breath. Living in chronic pain is a challenge unlike any other. One I don’t think anyone can ever be prepared for. It’s something you adjust your life too. One that takes every mental battle within you to stay on the positive side and see the light. 

In 2019 we were getting ready to embark on the biggest journey of our marriage. We had just gone through trail after trail with our teenage boys and were exhausted. If you’ve ever been through it with your kids where you feel it’s life or death daily, you know what I mean. The kind of trials when you look in the mirror in the morning you know without a doubt that patch of gray is new. It’s not only new but you know the moment of indescribable stress that caused it. The kind of trails that have you crying so much your eyes are bloodshot daily. The fight for our children’s lives is real now days. The amount of harm that this world wants to do to them can be overwhelming. There were moments I wasn’t sure we would make it through. Moments that I knew my marriage may not make it. Those moments when your body hurts and all you want to do is sleep. Sleep is almost impossible to get with one eye open. We fought those battles and prayed about every decision. We made good, bad, and ugly decisions. We did everything in our power not to blame each other or the kids. It would have been easy to point fingers and tell each other it’s their fault these trails are happening. Blame has never helped anyone and is not healthy for the soul. Today I find my self with three amazing young men who are alive and thriving. I couldn’t be prouder of each and everyone one of my boys. It has not been an easy road getting here. 

When the dust settled, I remember looking at my husband and asking if he was happy. He said, “No”. Then he asked if I was happy. My answer was the same- no. We just sat there in silence. There was a lot of that going on back then. When you have no fight left and no words left to speak. All you can do is just- sit. The hardest battle was over and now we were fighting to keep what little resemblance of our lives together. We decided that we didn’t need to fight anymore to hold onto the house, cars or jobs. We had leverage it all to get the kids through their hard times. Everything we had was never the dream we were aiming to achieve.  Don’t get me wrong we had a beautiful life looking from the outside in. I was driving my dream car a jeep wrangler. We had a wonderful three bedroom home that we had just renovated the kitchen together. A backyard that the light would shine in and dance on the trees. We just needed something new. We decided to sell it all and move to Bali, Indonesia and start a tech company. Our youngest son was still living at home and we would take him with and homeschool him. 

We started upon our journey of selling it all. The house went up on the market. A buyer came along and the inspection was a disaster. A sewer system that has worked just fine for 20 years was built wrong. At least that’s what the inspector insisted. The buyers wanted a new sewer system.  There was the problem of how to fit 19 years of marriage into a carry-on suitcase. Okay, more like how to fit my closet into a carry-on suitcase. What do you actually need? It’s not as much as you think. The freedom of only owing a small amount of things, is something I still miss. We finally sold and closed on the home. Downsized, downsized and downsized some more. We rented a small apartment for the three months waiting for our departure date. 

Then it happened.

The prior year I had traveled for my passion of fighting human trafficking. I went to Egypt and Nicaragua. Worked in trash villages and loved on everyone I could. When I got back from Egypt I developed intense back pain. I wasn’t able to walk for over six months. It was then that I wrote my first book Battle Cry- A Call To Arms Against Human Trafficking. After numerous testing and even a back surgery they discovered it was parasites. I went through extensive detoxification for months. I could finally walk again and of course, in all my wisdom decided to start running 5miles every other day. Now after years of PT I realize that I should have started slow and built my muscles back up. April 20, 2019 I went dancing with some friends and heard a huge pop. A month later they discovered I blew my ACL. With our departure date approaching we rushed a surgery. 

I remember waking up from the surgery screaming. My husband was out of town and my son was there. I wish they didn’t bring back my young son. He just stood their with fear in his eyes, “Mom what’s wrong?”. Oh the amount of pain I was in. They rushed me to get a sonogram and didn’t see anything. Then without even wrapping me up or seeing the doctor again I was left on the curb to get a ride home. The days followed were excruciating. I pushed through PT and did everything I was told. Even though I was in pain after 6 weeks the doctors said I could fly. I flew to Florida with my leg in the air above my head tied to a scarf. We were on economy plan and couldn’t afford anything more than bulk head. I still wasn’t able to bend my leg. We were in Florida for a month or so and I went to the gym daily and did all my PT. I was still in incredible pain. I was determined and ended flying to Bali with a wheel chair assistance. In my mind, I could do PT here or there and I decided to do it there. I ended up going through the Hong Kong riots as they were barricading in the airport with a wheel chair. My knee never did recover. I came back in pain. Even with my best efforts of getting a gym membership in every country we were in. Doing my PT daily. I felt defeated. 

Rumors were spreading of a virus and we decided to go back to Colorado were my oldest son was living. Everything shut down. I still was doing my PT daily and working on my knee. I bought a Peloton bike so that I could keep working through the pain during the shut down. After lockdown was lifted, I got a serious of MRI’s. I traveled up to Aspen Colorado where the best knee doctors are. Getting second, third and what felt a million opinions. One doctor ordered an x-ray and there it was. A giant screw were it was not to be. The surgeon removed the screw and I was painfree!  For the first time in almost three years I was pain free and could walk again. 

My PT started in on strength training and then it happened. I woke up one morning in extreme pain and I couldn’t walk again. That’s when the depression hit. I was back on crutches. When I was at PT one day the other PT working on a patient next to us yelled at me. “When are you ever going to be healed?” I wanted to know that same thing. Those words crushed me. They rattled around in my head for months. When would I ever be healed?

 Did I do something wrong? I took to the sofa wondering if I would ever walk again. I couldn’t go back to work. I couldn’t stand or show homes. I wondered if I should just get a wheelchair. All the doctors said they didn’t know what was wrong and wanted to put me on painkillers. I have been through some hard times. The hardest thing so far that I have ever gone through is being stripped of all things that bring me joy. My freedom to roam was gone. To be able to take a walk outside and enjoy the sunshine gone. 

 All the things I was able to do to relieve stress and brought me joy was taken away from me. I couldn’t run or swim, or bike or walk. I couldn’t go out with friends. Eventually my friends started disappearing as I could no longer do the things we used to do. I started to gain weight and that depressed me even more. I no longer was the person I used to be. If I can’t do sports, run and hustle then who was I? 

I had good hearted people tell me that God wanted me to be still. Did God do this to me? Is He purposefully holding back healing to teach me a lesson? I went to prayer after prayer. I went through deliverance prayers. Looking within if there was something in me holding back my healing. I read books about your body keeps the count. And how stress brings about illness. I asked myself hard questions, looking straight in the mirror wondering if the pain was all in my mind. Which was suggested to me. Depression slowly gained a foot in my life.

My husband had started his masters at Yale University in Connecticut. We had made the decision that he would comment and we would not move my youngest son from his high school. When he first started going I could barely walk or stand. I came with him one weekend and it was incredibly awkward. First off my husband had a routine and wasn’t used to having his wife with him. He was used to shooting through the airport. Running to the train and then walking, which felt like running, blocks to the hotel. All of this seemed impossible for me. I couldn’t stand in the line to get on the plane. So he stood in line by himself and I would join when it started to load. I couldn’t dash through the airport which messed up his time table. And I certainly couldn’t lug my luggage up the Grand central stairs to reach the street to the hotel. The walk from the train station to the hotel almost brought me to tears. I was feeling left behind. 

The thing with pain, it is not something you can see. You look normal. You look healthy. But there’s this pain that’s trapping you inside of a glass box. Suffocating you from the outside world. Frustrated my husband grabbed my bag and dragged two bags to the hotel. The next time we went he ordered an Uber which cost more money and yet again slowed him down. 

The worst part was when I met all his friends. Nervous and intimidated we all met up at a bar. My worst nightmare. I couldn’t stand for more than 5min without being in extreme pain. Even with my brace on. My husband couldn’t be with me and entrain his friends at the same time. I would have to sit down on a stool and everyone wondered from here to there. It was awkward for him to bring a friend over to me and introduce me. Why wasn’t I just hanging with the group? The inner turmoil I felt was tearing me apart. Why couldn’t I just ignore the pain and stand up and be normal. Why was all this pain here. Am I crazy? Was I making it all up in my mind? The very reason why I stopped selling real estate was an issue again. Not being able to stand and make small talk was hard in creating relationships. If I was in a wheel chair they would know instantly something was wrong. I could wheel over to people and say hi. But, a brace hidden by a long skirt too embraced at it’s appearance rarely gets noticed. 

The next year was hard. Balancing a husband gone too much. A son who was struggling to get through his sophomore year. And trying my best to strengthen a knee that just seems to rebelling against me. One of my husband’s friends at Yale had a company that invited the bag that separates fat and turns it into stem cells. In January of 2023 I flew to San Diego California to have yet another treatment done to me. 

Up to this moment I had tried almost everything. Cleanses, they worked on my back but, not my knee. Oils, oils and more oils. Anti-inflammatory diets and pills anything but pain killers. I was afraid that I may become addicted and stayed far away from them. I sought out acupuncturist, changed Physically therapist, and saw pain doctors. I tried having electricity sent through my body and a series of injections.  Flying to San Diego I was nervous. What if this is another thing that doesn’t work? But what if it does? 

I had the procedure done and sent home. I wouldn’t be able to walk well for a few days. We spent that day driving around San Diego looking for scenes from a show we were watching called Animal Kingdom. We sat on the beach and watched the waves roll in.  A man was blowing bubbles and they danced in the wind. The colors filled the sky with hues of purple and pink. They floated away into the blue above. 

One day about a year later when I was out with my husband and his friends I realized that the stem cell in fact had changed my life. The pain was still there but my motion was returned. I was able to stand longer and walk farther. It was the last class weekend and I was remembering all the fights my husband and I had that previous year. It dawned on me that once I could stand and interact with his friends things got better. I had forgotten all about not being able to stand and how awkward that had made things. I had found my new normal. 

Some battles we face last for so long and change us in the slightest of ways. Some are like waves against the shore. Slowly changing us as the waves crash over us, again and again. Some happen quickly and everything changes overnight. But time is healing. Over time we learn to adjust and create a new normal out of what we have before us. When you are in it, I mean really in the thick of it, it’s easy to want to give up. It seems that things will never be good again. Not all battles last a lifetime. And if they do you can learn to adapt and become a better version of you. 

Those moments that you don’t know are life changing happen all the time. Sitting at that table in a Colombia I was lost in thought about how far I’ve actually come. There was a moment that I thought I would never travel again. I had almost lost hope that I would never go into trash villages and help bring hope through entrepreneurship. My life’s work would be gone forever. This trip I was on was hope in a bottle that I may find my way again. We had finally made it to dinner and were all seated at a long rectangle table. The restaurant was dark giving an ambiance that was enticing and made you feel important. The waves outside crashed against the shore. A coastline that was foreign to me with all kinds of new things I have yet to explore. My friend was speaking to the waiter in Spanish. Karen is from this incredible country and I feel honored that she invited me to experience her country through her eyes.

Over the almost two years I have built amazing relationships with his classmates. I’m so happy I pressed on and continued to travel with my husband overcoming fears of rejection and limitations. But when he suggested I go to Colombia with his classmates I thought he was crazy. Yes we spent time last summer in Switzerland with one of the girls. And yes I have spent countless hours in debates and conversations about world changing subjects till 3am in the morning. But would they want me there? Would my leg allow me to keep up? I created a list in my mind so long of all the reasons I should not go. Then Shelly, oh how I adore Shelly. She is a powerhouse blonde who is in marketing and lights up a room. She personally invited me and I couldn’t say no. The opportunity to travel with these amazing women was something I could not pass up. 

There was still much to learn. For instance the spelling of Colombia is very important. I messed this up a few times in the what’s-app threads mistaking it for the movie production studio Columbia pictures. You know the one with the statue of liberty standing tall shining a light high above her head. This is just one of the things that made me hesitant about taking my husbands invitation and going on this trip. Have I already offended her by misspelling the name of Colombia? Would they like me or accept me? What do I have to offer those who already have doctorates and now are getting a masters at Yale? 

When Karen was done ordering we all started talking about the day. We had just come from Cartagena, Colombia one of the most beautiful cites in the world. It’s full of colors, bright and vibrant. With bustling streets full of food vendors who’s carts of full of delicious food that nourishes your body and soul. I was able to walk miles around the city. Rode a bike on the wall and almost lost Shelly. We danced the night away in a cuban bar. I somewhat danced and then sat and watched and laughed and had an amazing time. If I could do all this then it may be possible for me to start my work up once again in fighting human trafficking. I was full of life and the possibilities that lay before me. 

The food arrived at the table and once again it’s abundance overwhelms. With the first bite my taste buds danced around delighting in the bursting flavors. The table conversation has changed from what we experienced in Cartagena to what class has been like and what the professors are like. As the conversation bounced around and I had little to give to the conversation so I starred out a window admiring the fact that I decided to conquer a fear and go for what has become a trip of a lifetime. Wondering if this is the beginning to getting out of this funk that I’ve become. The depression slowly ripping away with the sounds of the waves. With each bite of food I was becoming more alive. Then that’s when the conversation changed yet again. The conversation that just might change my life forever. 

The conversation changed to the next trip they were all taking. Then they asked. “ Do you want to join us?” . My heart leaped and I knew instantly I needed to do this. They were going to swim from Europe to Asia in Canakkale, Turkey. I instantly said yes. We clinked our classes in !salud! And then my mind started to swarm with questions. 

Can I still swim?”.  I mean I used to be on the swim team in high school. That was only 29 years ago. I tried swimming after my knee surgery but the nerve pain was too bad. But, my knee is doing better, right? What if I could do this? I haven’t had anything to strive for or train for in years. This could be the thing that brings me out of this funk. I just knew I had to do it. 

The best way to find out if you can swim is to start swimming! The next day I signed up to go snorkeling. The beach was calm and quiet as the workers were busily getting cabanas ready with fresh towels and sweeping off the nights dust. Karen had signed up with me and we checked in and got our supplies. They handed me some bright yellow fins and when I put them on they hurt my knee. The weight was too much. But if I was going to do this I must go all the way. I slipped on my hot pink knee brace and once again received the looks. The looks that wonder why someone my age needs help. Looks of curiosity and wonderment on what happened. The looks of gratefulness that they themselves don’t need to be braced. We were escorted to a small boat that was white with blue trim. Each side had a small wooden bench to sit on. The boat rocked with the ocean as small waves rolled in. It was an adventure to hold on, get in and sit down without being thrown out. As the boat started to pick up speed I looked at Karen and her beautiful dark hair was flowing in the wind and a huge smile across her face. In that moment we ripped around a corner to the wide open sea and begin to pick up even more speed. And then we arrived in the bluest of blue waters so crystal clear you can see all the way to the bottom.

I looked at our guide that spoke only Spanish and my Spanish is no bueno. Without words I began to sit on the side of the boat with all my gear on. Which consisted of a snorkel mask, snorkel and fins. With a look that asked, “May I go over board”. I received a nod of approval and with a splash I was in. Joy plummeted through my whole body that I was able to get in the water and now was a mermaid among the fishes. A whole tribe of white and yellow fish with the lagoon and different coral reefs. Each reef had it’s own little eco system living in it.. After we got back from snorkeling we all meet up with each other and found some cabanas to recline in. I struggled to sit back and relax as a new dream was starting to catch fire in me. I ran out into the ocean and against the rope and buoys started to swim laps. I think I can swim crossed my mind. And then a determination that I will set in. 

We all have our own battles we must overcome. Whether it’s external and forced upon us by the action of others or internal within our souls or bodies. It’s up to us how we face these challenges. Will we have the mind of a victim or decide to take our victory? 

Living in victory means that you no longer will be a victim. You can not have light and darkness at the same time. Let’s flip our switch so that any victim mentality will flee. A victor is defined as being a person who defeats an enemy or opponent. Sometimes our greatest enemy is the one looking back at us in the mirror. 

Living a life of victory means you are going to have to get rid of something that is weighing you down. Some things that you think are protecting you. Pushing through pain is contrary to what our bodies think is best but on the other side is freedom. Holding onto unforgiveness is not hurting the person who hurt you, it’s hurting you.

Life can not be about climbing a Mountian and staying at the top forever. Life will become a series of disappointments if you think it’s about achieving a certain amount of things or success. I wrote a question to myself on my mirror the other day that encouraged me. It’s helped me valuate how I spend my time and what I focus on. 

What do you want to be known for? 

I didn’t want to be know as the girl with knee issues. The one who got a raw deal in a surgery gone wrong with no compensation to show for it. I didn’t want to just give up and roll over. I want to be known for never giving up. Accomplishing hard things and encouraging others along the way. 

When I got home from Colombia I tried to swim in a swimming pool. I was only able to swim 10 slow laps. I had a long way to go. But, I wasn’t able to lose hope. 

TO BE CONTINUED…..

Some of you have been struggling with the same thing for a very long time. I’m hoping that my stories will be encouraging to you. I want to help empower you to live a powerful life. One that is full of joy and peace. I hope you enjoyed the beginning to my swim story.